Well hi there! And well to start off, let me tell you that this is the second time for me to write this paragraph, because the first time I wrote this paragraph I didn’t like the way it sounded. I’m never pleased with my writing, so this isn’t at ALL unusual for me. It’s been about 6 months since I was diagnosed, and the days here in Memphis seem to be dragging more and more as each day passes. I think I feel this way because we’re nearing the end. How exciting is that? However, now looking back I feel like time has flied. I mean, I can’t believe it’s already been 6 MONTHS since my first surgery…how insane is that? As we come close to the end of my treatment, I can honestly say I feel stronger than ever before, which is something I wouldn’t have been able to say 6 months ago. At the beginning of treatment I was worried, terrified, and frustrated with everyone and everything. I was so angry with God and myself. I was so confused as to why he would allow such atrocity. I was 21 and living the life of my dreams, so why ruin it. I demanded answers. Then finally one day it all hit me. God wasn’t against me, but with me. Yes, He had control over the situation and could have stopped it, but if He allowed it to happen it’s because He knew I could handle it. Remember, God does not put anything in our life that we can’t handle. There are times when I’m in really bad pain and I’m like… “God, I can’t handle this.” I feel like my world is coming to an end and that God has abandoned me. But I’m here, aren’t I? God never once left my side and for me I guess I ended up handling the situation pretty well after all. Even in the midst of all of our pain and agony when we forget about his existence, He never forgets about us or walks away. Instead, he remains close to us and reminds us that it will all be fine. Let us be grateful for having such a loving and almighty God.
It’s hard not to blame someone or something for the bad things that happen to us, trust me, I’ve done it myself. But I believe, that with all evil comes happiness. All it takes is for us to make good out of a bad situation. In my situation, I think God was trying to make me open my eyes and realize that the world didn’t revolve around me. With college and work, I got ahead of myself and forgot to set God as my number one priority. Yeah college and money are important, but we must always remember that we can’t do or have any of those things without God’s will.
These past few days, I’ve noticed that I’ve been complaining more than giving thanks to our loving Father. I complain about the smallest little things in life that really don’t matter. As I sit here and complain about my problems, I am reminded about friends and family who are going through even more difficult times than me. Sometimes, with all of our crying and whining, we forget about others who are in more need of help and prayer. I have a friend who is being treated at St. Jude for Medulloblastoma as well. After reading his blog today, I realized how selfish and unthankful I’ve been. When I first met him about 3 months ago, he was strong and buff like a football player. After radiation and 2 rounds of chemo, I believe he has lost a total of 30 pounds. His fight against brain cancer has been very hard for him and his mother, and what amazes me is that I have never once heard him complain. When I look at him, I can see God shining his light upon him. His faith is so strong, admirable, and so full of light, that even when times get dark and scary, he’s still fighting.
Although cancer may appear to make us weak, our hearts and faith will always remain strong. We are fighters and we will NEVER give up.
Besides whining and being unthankful at times, I feel like I’m doing okay. I don’t really have much to say about my second round of chemo, because it pretty much went like the first round. I got drugged up, took long naps, lost appetite, threw-up once or twice, received stem cells, and finally left the hospital after 5 days smelling like cream corn. I’m not sure if I mentioned this last time, but after receiving stem cells your body smells like cream corn. I’m not sure exactly why, but all I know is that they use some type of preservative to freeze the stem cells and when thawed out and injected back into your body it causes some type of reaction that causes your body to smell like cream corn...hmmm weird? The good part is that I can’t smell it because I’m the one producing the smell but the people around me sure CAN. I’m so glad I can’t smell it because that smell makes me feel so nauseous. I’ve smelt it on other patients and it’s terrible. I don’t know how my mom can handle me smelling like that for about 3 days. Yuck! She apparently likes the smell so whatever…good for you momma :)
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